SharingSecrets

so it took a boy five years younger than me
to make me feel okay about myself.
to make me feel that anything is possible
and that love can be as easy as you make it.

we're almost two months into this and it's the first time i panicked
because i thought he was through with me, but instead
he was making this surprise date for me.
it's the first time i don't wake up
and not liking what's next to me.

it is awesome.

it's amazing how i always get myself in situations that are both awkward and frustrating.
it's amazing how the timing of certain elements, certain persons are never in sync with mine.
it's amazing how i'm still being dazzled by him. how he can almost program my reaction.
it's amazing how i feel he's my rock. a person i'll know for years to come.
it's amazing how well i know him, how well he can read me.
it's amazing how i don't trust him fully.

he's the best friend of my boyfriend.
he's my crush.
he's the guy who told me last night: if you leave him, i'll leave her.



- -

i'm becoming the one who'll tear out an innocent heart.

so school's back on and so is the boy.

he told my friend yesterday that i should come over and talk to him.
that he doesn't know where he's at. that he wants me. that his head's
chaos. that he's ready to settle down with a job and a wife. that he's not
sure whether he'll tell me what's really on his mind. that he really likes me.

stupid stupid boy.

saying your head was too chaotic to be with me.
saying i was the coolest girl you had ever met,
but that you went through too much shit to ever care again.
or at least not now.

so i've let you go. i didn't say a word to you for over 3 weeks.
and then it was my birthday and you just wished me well.
and a couple hours later you send me another message
asking how i was. as if three weeks were just three minutes.

and now i hear from a friend that you were scared, yes,
that you liked me far too much already. that you wanted
to see where this would go, but that it was summer.
a season too unpredictable, too busy, too chaotic.

stupid stupid boy.

i don't know how or why i always end up in this kind of place.
the place where it seems that all my friends who never have boyfriends
or had given up on love, are now as happy as can be.
and i, the one who always tries to support them,
tries to convince them that love will be there for them when least expected.
the one who's there to listen to their doubts and fears
when they cannot see how much their boy really loves them..

it seems i'm only allowed to touch the shiny edge of love,
to walk around with my head in the air for say.. two weeks.
only to be crashing down again.

it would be mean to say that i'm jealous of them,
i know that, but it's true.
all i want is what we had a week ago.
him and me, sharing a bed for an entire day.
getting along as if there was no world around us.